the last white dress...

i will buy for my baby girl to wear. that was today. but it was a joyful day. an exciting day. an exhausting day. and a beautiful day. her eyes were more beautiful than her dress. and her countenance more beautiful than her eyes.

the first white dress i bought for her was just after she was born. it was her blessing dress. some people would call it a baptism dress, but we are not them. we belong to the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. . . you know. the mormons. we bless our children when they are just a month or two old. . i have her blessing dress in my cedar chest waiting until she has her own little girl.

we save baptizing our children until they are eight. that was her second white dress. she wanted to have a matching purse and gloves. . . so i made her dress and the purse and we found some gloves to match. i found it still hanging in her closet the other day. she's kept it all these years. it made me smile.

we've been planning this "final" excursion for the last two weeks. it's a big one in her life. so big that she not only included me but invited all her sisters and sisters in law, and four of her best friends. not everyone showed up, but most of us did. we weren't allowed in the room with her to help put on the dresses. she wanted the wow factor. it was. we laughed at the fact that there were tissues in the room - like someone would cry. please.

after at least a million dresses and as many hours... ok, maybe 30 dresses and five hours... she finally found the one that she felt beautiful in. the one that would make him look at her twice, or three times, or maybe forever. while everyone was focused on what others would think of the dress, she was focused on what he would think of her in the dress. she was focused on the day that she would finally be his forever. she was focused on finally having the biggest dream that she's ever dared to dream for herself so close that she can almost touch it. almost.

so while everyone watched her in her dress, i watched what was in her eyes and in her heart. i heard the nuances that were in her words, and after so long the desire to be done so that she could just get back into his arms again where she likes to be. she's safe there. and he keeps her safe there. i like that.

as she looked at herself in that final dress, swathed in lace, with a cathedral veil framing her face, she softly told me that this was the one. i asked her if she was sure. and when she answered in the affirmative, we both started crying. i didn't know that being at the end of this mommy journey was going to be as rough as it has been. but it's joyful too. (grand-kids from older children are awesome benefits) but there is just something about your own baby growing up. bittersweet. but more sweet than bitter. after all, i just look in her eyes, and then i look in his eyes, and i watch them watch each other and how can i not want that for my daughter? that is exactly what i want for my daughter.

so i bought her last white dress today. i did it with joy. because i love her, and i love him because he loves her so much. alek will marry my baby sara in the oquirrh mountain temple in december. and i'm pretty sure that she will be the most beautiful bride that december has ever seen. and i'm pretty sure that when alek sees her, that he'll agree.

my heart hurts...

...because i'm a mom.

if i wasn't a mom, it wouldn't hurt so bad, but it does. that's the price of being a mom i guess. your heart hurts sometimes. and because i'm a mom i hide in the bathroom and cry until i can hide the tears and then i go out and put on a happy face, or at least a stoic face, and make dinner until i can cry into my pillow. 

i remember thinking and feeling this way 20, even 30 years ago when my children were small. i feel the same way again, but the hurt is bigger now, because the children are bigger. they have little ones of their own now. and they probably have mommy tears too. but my tears now are different. they are more full and ripe, and they are felt more harshly, if that's possible. they are definitely hotter and more frustrating because you just cant tell grown up children what to do! (they don't like that! ... neither did i. ) 

my tears are for the frustration over having taught my children how to be good people. how to trust in and Love God. how to be patriotic and to choose good things. how to serve others, and have fun, and lead out. how to fly. 

i didn't realize that some were going to fly into a net, or a wall, or danger. or what i perceive as danger. i didn't realize that some were going to lead people in the opposite direction than what they were taught, or that they would be entitled, or question their love of country, their love of God, or even the existence of God Himself. i don't even know if i believe they are still good people. at least not today. maybe tomorrow. hopefully tomorrow. please God, let me believe they are good tomorrow. 

as i drove today, i said a prayer and asked God to please let me see angels around me today. i felt like i needed the strength, and i know that faith can bring about miracles. i have no doubt that if God wants me to or needs me to, then i can see angels. it's that simple. (that's part of the problem between some of my children and myself. they think my faith is false. it is not. it is real. i do believe in miracles, for i have seen many come to pass.) 

as i pulled into my granddaughter's school to watch her run in the fun-run, i arrived early. i was able to watch the kindergartners run. i was also able to watch the special needs and down syndrome kids run. i started to cry, for i believe that down syndrome kids are truly angels on earth. you see, within less than 30 minutes, God answered my prayer, and reminded me that he loved me, and that he answers prayers so quickly if we will just open our eyes to see. . . and i have had a very tender heart ever since. 

so why does my heart hurt if i am happy that God loves me and answered my prayer? well, i'll tell you. it's because i have some adult children that don't realize that God loves them too, and that makes my heart hurt. i'm not crying for me today. i am crying for them.