my heart hurts...

...because i'm a mom.

if i wasn't a mom, it wouldn't hurt so bad, but it does. that's the price of being a mom i guess. your heart hurts sometimes. and because i'm a mom i hide in the bathroom and cry until i can hide the tears and then i go out and put on a happy face, or at least a stoic face, and make dinner until i can cry into my pillow. 

i remember thinking and feeling this way 20, even 30 years ago when my children were small. i feel the same way again, but the hurt is bigger now, because the children are bigger. they have little ones of their own now. and they probably have mommy tears too. but my tears now are different. they are more full and ripe, and they are felt more harshly, if that's possible. they are definitely hotter and more frustrating because you just cant tell grown up children what to do! (they don't like that! ... neither did i. ) 

my tears are for the frustration over having taught my children how to be good people. how to trust in and Love God. how to be patriotic and to choose good things. how to serve others, and have fun, and lead out. how to fly. 

i didn't realize that some were going to fly into a net, or a wall, or danger. or what i perceive as danger. i didn't realize that some were going to lead people in the opposite direction than what they were taught, or that they would be entitled, or question their love of country, their love of God, or even the existence of God Himself. i don't even know if i believe they are still good people. at least not today. maybe tomorrow. hopefully tomorrow. please God, let me believe they are good tomorrow. 

as i drove today, i said a prayer and asked God to please let me see angels around me today. i felt like i needed the strength, and i know that faith can bring about miracles. i have no doubt that if God wants me to or needs me to, then i can see angels. it's that simple. (that's part of the problem between some of my children and myself. they think my faith is false. it is not. it is real. i do believe in miracles, for i have seen many come to pass.) 

as i pulled into my granddaughter's school to watch her run in the fun-run, i arrived early. i was able to watch the kindergartners run. i was also able to watch the special needs and down syndrome kids run. i started to cry, for i believe that down syndrome kids are truly angels on earth. you see, within less than 30 minutes, God answered my prayer, and reminded me that he loved me, and that he answers prayers so quickly if we will just open our eyes to see. . . and i have had a very tender heart ever since. 

so why does my heart hurt if i am happy that God loves me and answered my prayer? well, i'll tell you. it's because i have some adult children that don't realize that God loves them too, and that makes my heart hurt. i'm not crying for me today. i am crying for them.