bear. born. carry. lift. deliver. . .

behold thy mother.

two days ago i asked to behold angels. i also asked in prayer to love my children again. and i was sent this message from a loving Heavenly Father through one of His living apostles on this earth today.

i spent the evening in my bed watching the dvr. i finally had time to watch when it was quiet. i didn't cry into my pillow this time. the tears flowed freely down my cheeks. no one can convince me that Heavenly Father doesn't answer prayers. He continually answers mine. and this talk is one of those answers.

today, i was able to mend a wounded relationship with one that i was able to bear. carry. lift and deliver. i was also able to spend the day with my own mother. she is 91 years young and has taught me so many things.

i'm pretty sure that God knew what he was doing when he created mother eve last. we're complicated little beings. we're also a lot more complex than fathers. he knew that we would love our children with a fierceness that would protect them from all things evil. he knew we would give our very lives if they could have theirs. he knew that same feeling would never leave us no matter how old we got.

i see this complexity in my granddaughters with their baby dolls, in my daughters with their children, i still see it in myself with my grown children and my in laws joining the family - yes, i feel to protect them also . . . i'm the mom. it's what i do. . . and i see it in my own mother.

my own sweet mother. she makes me crazy. she makes me smile. and i'm so happy and blessed i can still hug her and kiss her and serve her. i am still learning from her. i am finally learning from her. my fault. not hers. i took her home tonight after having her out to my home for the day to watch conference with my family. i had to call her when i got home so that she could make sure that i was safe. . . she's the mom. it's what she does. . .

with all the crazy things going on in this world with planned parenthood killing innocent babies and selling their body parts. it makes me so sad that such evil people are in the world. i was born at the time that all this was becoming legal to do. abortion. it would have been legal for my own mother to take my life. her marriage wasn't the best. she was 38 years old. but she didn't. she carried me, and allowed me to be born. she was there for me through many struggles in my life. probably more than i realize.

one came with a great sacrifice in my young life. she had to work when i was young, and i was a latch-key kid. for years i was angry at that. like . . . y.e.a.r.s. .. . i didn't realize that her sacrifices then are what put food on the table. and shoes on my feet. my sacrifices as a child are what put my mom in my life when i needed her there the most. it was because of those sacrifices that she was willing to make in her childrens behalf, that i was able to take care of my own children when i was so sick myself. . . for years. . . my mother was by my side for years. she is still here. when i can't go to see her, i hear her voice on the other end of my phone telling me it will be ok this week if i don't have the strength to come see her. she understands. . .  that i should take care of myself. who does that for people? oh. wait. moms do. thanks mom. really. thanks mom. you never get mad. disappointed maybe, but never mad.

tonight i heard someone else talking about the marines and the reason that they make such excellent warriors. it's because they never fight for themselves, or to preserve themselves. they fight for the person next to them. they are their brothers keeper. the man asked, "who is fighting for you"? two people came into my mind. moms. and my savior, Jesus Christ.

and so there it is. and this talk by elder jeffry r. holland. it made it a great day today. it made it ok to enjoy the nine extra 20 year olds i had in my house, along with my grandchildren, my children, my sweet hubby and my mom. i fed them all till they were going to explode, (3 kinds of homemade soup and 17 loaves of bread) and when they couldn't eat any more, i packed it up and sent them home with the leftovers.

i like what abraham lincoln said. "all that i am, or hope to be, i owe to my mother". i agree. without our mothers, we just wouldn't be. thank you mom.

and lest i sound very ungrateful, i would like to add just a little bit to the above. -
"all that i am, or hope to be, i owe to my God and my mother - they both love me."

isn't my mom cute? can you believe that she is 91 years old? man, i hope i look that good!

my heart hurts...

...because i'm a mom.

if i wasn't a mom, it wouldn't hurt so bad, but it does. that's the price of being a mom i guess. your heart hurts sometimes. and because i'm a mom i hide in the bathroom and cry until i can hide the tears and then i go out and put on a happy face, or at least a stoic face, and make dinner until i can cry into my pillow. 

i remember thinking and feeling this way 20, even 30 years ago when my children were small. i feel the same way again, but the hurt is bigger now, because the children are bigger. they have little ones of their own now. and they probably have mommy tears too. but my tears now are different. they are more full and ripe, and they are felt more harshly, if that's possible. they are definitely hotter and more frustrating because you just cant tell grown up children what to do! (they don't like that! ... neither did i. ) 

my tears are for the frustration over having taught my children how to be good people. how to trust in and Love God. how to be patriotic and to choose good things. how to serve others, and have fun, and lead out. how to fly. 

i didn't realize that some were going to fly into a net, or a wall, or danger. or what i perceive as danger. i didn't realize that some were going to lead people in the opposite direction than what they were taught, or that they would be entitled, or question their love of country, their love of God, or even the existence of God Himself. i don't even know if i believe they are still good people. at least not today. maybe tomorrow. hopefully tomorrow. please God, let me believe they are good tomorrow. 

as i drove today, i said a prayer and asked God to please let me see angels around me today. i felt like i needed the strength, and i know that faith can bring about miracles. i have no doubt that if God wants me to or needs me to, then i can see angels. it's that simple. (that's part of the problem between some of my children and myself. they think my faith is false. it is not. it is real. i do believe in miracles, for i have seen many come to pass.) 

as i pulled into my granddaughter's school to watch her run in the fun-run, i arrived early. i was able to watch the kindergartners run. i was also able to watch the special needs and down syndrome kids run. i started to cry, for i believe that down syndrome kids are truly angels on earth. you see, within less than 30 minutes, God answered my prayer, and reminded me that he loved me, and that he answers prayers so quickly if we will just open our eyes to see. . . and i have had a very tender heart ever since. 

so why does my heart hurt if i am happy that God loves me and answered my prayer? well, i'll tell you. it's because i have some adult children that don't realize that God loves them too, and that makes my heart hurt. i'm not crying for me today. i am crying for them.